Parents coming out - Three stories from PFLAG parents
By Alec Clayton

Coming out to parents can be the most difficult thing a gay or lesbian child can do. Many a child has been disowned and kicked out of the house, others have faced denial or ridicule or attempts to force an impossible change of orientation. Even among more accepting parents there is often a long and painful period of adjustment. But as almost any PFLAG parent can tell you, the rewards of going through that adjustment period are rewarding beyond belief.

Parents, too, have to come out, especially those who, like many in PFLAG, become advocates. I would like to relate just a few coming out stories from PFLAG parents.

First, Jeff Loyer tells about his daughter’s coming out:

“Merry Anne’s ‘coming out’ was a gradual process, which culminated at 16 when she realized she wasn’t physically attracted to her boyfriend (who she still loves dearly as a friend). My first reaction was a mixture of “no kidding?” “OK”, “hmmm”, and (internally) wondering if this was a phase. My wife and I did take Merry Anne to a counselor, not to question her sexual orientation, but to make sure we were all prepared for the ramifications (a single session convinced us we were OK). Later I had a strong sense of wondering whether I was responsible in some way because the “emotional tapes” I’d played previously about gays and lesbians implied that they were the result of weak gender role models or sexual abuse. At this point, I started attending PFLAG and reading lots of literature. From talking with people with similar experiences, and reading, I realized how wrong the picture I had of gays and lesbians was. I realized that the major influence I had on Merry Anne’s “gayness” was in how she accepted herself, once she realized she was gay. Since I’d had gay and lesbian friends, and didn’t judge her sexual orientation, she could easily accept herself. I’m incredibly thankful for all the information and support that allowed me to handle the issue with some grace. But I’m also conscious that I had strong biases built up from my upbringing and our society.”

“At this point I’m a strong advocate of rights for all sexual minorities, convinced that our society’s bias against them almost exactly parallels racial bigotry of earlier years. It is based on a fear of things different, and kept alive by ignorance. I’m sure that there can only be one reasonable conclusion (equality and respect for sexual minorities), and many of those who resist will later be chagrined at their behavior.”

Penny Merrill is a former president of PFLAG-Olympia who now lives with her husband, Dave, in Southern California. Here is Penny’s coming out story:

“Unlike many parents, we did not have the unexpected "by the way, I'm gay" announcement. By the time Joseph was 11 or 12, in 1980, I wondered if he was gay. From the distance of 25 years, I don't recall exactly what I sensed. Later, when David and I did discuss it, he also had guessed our son was gay. He summed up our feelings, ‘Joseph is our son and we will never love him any less.’ I did worry because there is so much meanness directed at gays.”

The big mistake we made was keeping silent. This was due to our ignorance. 

“TESC was Joseph's lifeboat, academically and socially. He got support from other students and faculty members. When he did come out (first to me) at the end of his junior year at TESC, his relief was overwhelming. He could then tell me about joining Queer Alliance ("Mom, I've never been in a room with so much perfect hair.") It was then I understood our silence was a barrier that had further isolated our son, and I deeply regret that.”

“PFLAG was our lifeboat. PFLAG offered support in overcoming our ignorance and speaking up. This organization provides a wealth of information for families who have gay children, parent, aunt, uncle, sister or brother. We can now talk and laugh about all aspects of our lives; we can be family without "hiding" anything. Most of all, we don't want silence and ignorance to hurt anyone else.” 

Beth and Gib Rossing moved to Olympia a little more than a year ago from Texas. They currently serve on the board of PFLAG. Beth tells their coming out story:

“We have been blessed with two gay sons! When our oldest son came out to us in 1987 at age 22 we did not feel blessed, and though we wanted to maintain relationships, our immediate response was to tell him this was wrong and how he must change. We did, however, begin our journey, to educate ourselves about a subject we knew little about. He was, after all, still the same son we loved, were proud of, and had proved himself worthy of respect and admiration in many ways. Through the years we became acquainted with many more GLBT persons and our love and admiration for them grew. Many had become successful in careers, maintained long term loving relationships, and contributed greatly to our society despite the prejudice and discrimination they faced. What a difference open mindedness and education had made for us! Our youngest son came out to us at age 17 in 1996. He was confident of who he was and had seen our acceptance of and advocacy for the GLBT community. We were thankful he had become acquainted with successful gay men to serve as role models as he matured. Today we can truly say our lives have been enriched and blessed by our two gay sons and all they have brought into our lives!”